By Anonymous
Content notes: discussion of conversion practices targeting trans youth and young adults, childhood sexual abuse, transphobia, gaslighting and manipulation.
The following is an anonymous submission to our Can You Hear Us? project by a former client of James Cantor, the American-Canadian sexologist who has become a prolific anti-trans “expert” in American courts. We offer this story to give people an idea of what it’s really like to experience the “care” of anti-trans clinicians who are currently trying to oppose affirmation models of care.
If you need supports related to conversion practices, you can find information at Born Perfect (1-800-528-6257 (US)). Additional supports for trans and gender diverse people who are distressed or in crisis can be found at the Trevor Project (youth and young adults up to age 24, (866) 488-7386 (US)) or Trans LifeLine (adults, available in English and español, (877) 565-8860 (US) or (877) 330-6366 (CA)).
By the time I decided to go to gender exploratory therapy, I had been questioning my gender for many years. My fear, shame, and confusion had become unbearable after such a long time and I expressed to my parents that I would like professional help. They chose James Cantor as my therapist and I was grateful. I went willingly. I hoped that he would help me understand my own gender and decide whether transitioning was right for me.
I made my intentions clear during our first session. I told James that I wanted to figure out whether I was trans or not and whether I should transition. I said that I wasn’t sure of my pronouns yet but that I generally used they/them pronouns. He also knew that I had still not chosen a preferred name for myself. I said that I felt very confused and distressed about my gender and that I wanted to find some clarity. He said he could help me.
As a therapist, he was inadequate. I told him that my parents gaslight me, that they make me feel like I’m crazy and that they make me doubt my perception of myself and of reality. He prompted me to explain more, so I did. He responded by telling me that what I experienced wasn’t gaslighting, and then he explained the plot of the movie “Gaslight” to me. I was his patient in need of help, but he did not show any concern for the fact that I felt I was being psychologically manipulated by my parents. Treating me like I was a colleague or a research partner, he only wanted to chastise me for my colloquial use of a popular term. A different time, I expressed concern about an article I saw. It was about transness as a comorbidity with the mental illness I have, and I said that I was concerned that I had it, since the symptoms listed on the article were deeply familiar to me. He did not bother to ask me why I felt that way, or whether I thought that my illness might have something to do with my gender. Instead, he was quick to dismiss my concerns because he had not seen any scholarly literature about it. He asked if I was sure that I even had that illness in the first place. I was taken aback by the implication that I was misdiagnosed or lying and I did not prompt him to elaborate.
When it came to talking about gender, he asked me strange questions. He asked how I felt the first time I saw a penis, and I did not know the answer. I was very young when I learned about penises and the first one I saw probably belonged to a male relative who was a similar age to me. James asked me what kinds of clothes I liked to wear, and would ask me about what I was wearing during my sessions with him. He made me choose between the titles “mister” and “miss.” I told him that I didn’t know which one to pick and that I wasn’t comfortable with either, but he told me that I needed to pick one. He said that I did know the answer but that I didn’t want to say it. He asked me to choose one name for myself. He asked me how I would respond if somebody asked for my pronouns. These questions all upset me and my answers to them were vague. I said something like “any pronouns are fine” and “I have a few nicknames, you can call me whichever one you like.” He pressured me to answer the questions and made me feel ashamed for not knowing them, despite the fact that I was in therapy with him because I didn’t know the answers, and because not knowing them was stressful for me. James knew that about me because I told him in the first session. He told me that I was pushing people away if I didn’t have a decisive answer. He told me that people would be scared to talk to/about me because they are scared of calling me by the wrong name or pronoun. That is what stuck with me the most: the idea that my transness scares people and pushes them away from me.
Years later, I have finally healed enough to tell my story. What happened with James has affected me very deeply because he knew how vulnerable I was at the time and he did not show any respect for that fact. He knew that I had a bad relationship with my parents and that I did not have any friends. I was there because I was questioning my gender, yet James Cantor made me feel like it wasn’t okay for me to question. He did not treat me with the patience or dignity that a therapist owes to all of their clients.